Superman Unchained?

The best part is, this is inside my copy of Superman Unchained No. 1.

The best part is, this is inside my copy of Superman Unchained No. 1.

Obviously, Mr. Snyder and Mr. Lee did not impress me with this book.

Things I learned:

1. DC’s writers are just as capable of mistreating source material as film makers.
2. Scott Snyder may have never read a Superman book.
3. Scott Snyder certainly knows absolutely nothing about science
4. it is easier to draw like Jim lee than I thought.

That’s a whole lot of learning! Wow.

First, lets look at the cover of the book that the above page appears in. See…DC had a single panel by Jim Lee that is in fact, a huge four part fold out poster. Instead of stapling it in, they used a piece of cardboard that it is affixed to…giving me a piece of sketch paper at the end of the book to add my coup de gras, as it were. The cover…

Meh.

Meh.

The plot of the book wasn’t all that interesting. Superman saves some astronauts, catches some things falling out of orbit. Lois criticizes Clark’s fact checking, while Jimmy gets bagels. The US Government hides something, only to have a last page reveal of the “real Superman!” Gasp!

Snooze fest.

Snyder does this four panel thing that bothers me. Superman is tryiong to fry a circuit with his X-ray vision. Not the heat vision eye lasers he uses all the time, he uses the X-rays. Why? Who the @#$% knows. When that doesn’t work, he decides to try harder, and kick the radiation up to gamma rays, which works.

@#$%??!

Since when do his eyes actually emit radiation? That means that when Superman looks around metropolis for a kidnap victim, he is bathing the city in ridiculous amounts of X-rays. Since that happens…all the TIME…Metropolis has to have the single best cancer research and clinic facilities anywhere on Earth. Just like Gotham has to have the best ER in the universe, with Bruce Wayne hurling personalized razor blades at people.

So…can Superman just make you into a Hulk by looking at you now? Snyder seems to think so.

So damn frustrating. He calls it X-ray vision because he’s a big corn fed farm hick, with the power to see through things. That’s all. If they were actually X-rays…he would never see anything, since the rays go through, and eyes of any kind see reflected light. Take a junior high school science class, Mr. Snyder!

Sigh.

At least he doesn’t just bump people off, and fail to save people, like the current movie Superman. I didn’t see it, but the world knows that Superman has successfully joined the ranks of gritty, vengeful “heroes.” Not really a spoiler there.

Hence the irreverent page about X-ray vision, which is actually in my copy. Since the repro above is a photo, and the cardboard not flat…the panels bowed out a bit. Lo siento, Reader.

The bummer? Some of the variants for Unchained were brilliant, and referenced the things that I do…or did love about Superman…pre New 52, and pre Man of Steel film. Take this charming cover, without logo, by Garcia Lopez (my fave of all the variants).

A phone booth, flowers, and seventies Lois.  All with a smile and a wink in mind.  Fun

A phone booth, flowers, and seventies Lois. All with a smile and a wink in mind. Fun

Or this, referencing Neal Adams previous “Kryptonite Nevermore” cover from the early seventies:

Although I liked the original better, Neal Adams is just awesome.

Although I liked the original better, Neal Adams is just awesome.

It is a bummer to be so critical of the creative direction of something I love so dearly. I take heart that these things go in stages, in cycles, and there will come another time where I do like the creative direction. As Axl Rose suggests, it is all about patience.

Tomorrow: Return of the District Darths!

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