Metal 101: The Blasting

Gene Simmons has done worse. And to be fair, his name in the group is “The Demon.”

Attention, Scott Snyder. Gene Simmons using Satan’s Flame Breath to set Angels on fire? That’s @#$%ing METAL.

Anything in DC Comics “Dark Knights: Metal” No. 3, an exposition heavy mood killer that slowed the pace of a momentum driven story by forcing the music allegory down the reader’s eye sockets?

NOT METAL.

Baby Darkseid throwing the horns when the dark bat god emerges through a mystic portal with insano Batmen? METAL. You got that right, Snyder.

Active discussion of power chords as an obscure secret message across dimensions? Over several pages, that made little real sense?

NOT METAL.

Origin stories for the Dark Batmen?

NOT METAL.

You see, the definition works like this, Mr. Snyder:

Metal, (adj.) 1. something so hardcore it can only be compared to metal (the music that is).

That means that you don’t actually discuss the music itself, you make a comparison TO the music. It’s a metaphor, good sir, which I know is hard to grasp. After all, I read both “Court of Owls” and “Night of the Owls,” and recognize that subtlety is not the strong suit here. That’s why I thought that “Metal” was going to go so well. It needed no subtlety at all, just the kind of over the top action implied by any of the following things:

  • ANY Iron Maiden Album Cover
  • The sight of the band KISS in full gear
  • Any time Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off of anything
  • Denim Jackets

How hard was that? It’s a short list. For two issues, the system was firing on all thrusters, and now…hiatus until December, with tie ins and origins of Dark Batmen.

So NOT METAL, bro.

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